It has been a tiring week. Now the weekend is half over, and I’m already fully ready to go back to work… I have developed a strong and maybe pathetic love for my job which is somewhat heavily based on the fact that, when I’m at work, I don’t have to hang out with Calliope. There are other factors too, certainly, but that is a big one.
And that’s a horrible thing for a mother to say/think/feel. But it’s there and it’s true and I might as well say it. I love Calliope. I really do. But I don’t like hanging out with her, as previously established. During the week, when I’m at work or running or in band rehearsal, I’m happy. I feel like myself. I feel excited and energetic and normal. But when I’m hanging out with her, sometimes I feel like I just don’t have it together. I just… don’t WANT to be there. And what kind of a mother doesn’t want to be around her own child?! I feel so inadequate and horrible.
Was frustrated and angry Thursday night after work… but went running (well, walking) with L. and felt a lot better afterwards. It basically ended up the two of us speed-marching through South bank, me telling her these things I was frustrated about, probably way too loudly, her listening. It helped. L. is a good friend.
Today she looked after Calliope for about 4 hours because she thought it would be good for me & Mike to spend some time together… which it was. We found a REAL NEW YORK PIZZERIA! People, you don’t know how hard this is in Brisbane. Australian pizza just sucks. Sucks! I can’t believe I never found this place before. We stopped in at the Brisbane French Festival (it was recently Bastille Day) and took another really long walk all over the city and it was good. Beautiful day. Got ice cream.
We talked about getting another vehicle, actually. Since we work 40km apart and do so much stuff, managing with one car can be a bit tough, and Brisbane’s public transit is ABYSMAL. And Mike can’t be bothered to bike much anymore. So we talked about a scooter or potentially a motorcycle, despite the fact that I’m leery of Mike’s driving a motorcycle simply because of his unfailing ability to look the wrong way while pulling out into traffic. I guess that problem would apply to scooters too, though scooters seem so benign it’s hard to imagine anyone mucking up on them.
I’m kind of sick of worrying about it, actually. What will be, will be. And of course everyone knows how *I* feel about motorcycles… Then again, I would hardly get to drive it, since I’m usually with Calliope, which means car. Ah, well. Anyway, nothing’s been decided, but I can see Mike just mentally jumping up and down with excitement.
Then we came home and built a sandbox for Calliope. And got the mail, and our Australian citizenship ceremony has been set!! On August 27th we will become Aussies…
It was a good day, even though some things are still weighing on me, and I feel troubled and distant. It doesn’t really help that the Red Wave has once again shown its dirty face and is plunging me back into fatigue and anemia. Must continue drinking liquid iron. Yuk.
tiredTags: calliope, food, friendship, weekend