June 30th, 2003 13:54
So I am starting to wear dresses.
Yeah, I know. Crazy talk.
Today I am wearing (for the first time in my LIFE) the dress I bought in Orlando over a year ago!
It is actually rather nice in this crazy heat.
Makes biking a little tough, though 
recent photos
Just got back from having my last drink with Madchen and her man.
They are leaving for some travels, to end up in Munich indefinitely, on July 3.
I am sad and am going to miss her… Hopefully I can go visit sometime soon, though I don’t have any more vacation weeks to spare until January, if indeed I am still in a job in January!
I hate it when friends leave.
Standing so close to the edge
I’m restless and it can’t be fixed.
Lack of ability to write down shit in LJ makes me feel like I am going to explode.
Writing has always been cathartic for me, but right now I fear – actually fear – trying to write down everything in my head, since it would take so much energy I think I’d fall off my chair before I was done. And too constipated. Can’t open my mouth, can’t move my hand.
In the fall, things were sorta shitty given the whole horrid situation between me and Muta, Muta and Esperanza, me and Esperanza, and then trails of Zaubi here and there, but still, I was happy. There seemed to be potential in everything, I still felt pretty decent about myself, and so forth.
Now Muta is gone, summer is here, and potential is everywhere, and I am just NOT HAPPY. I don’t know why, but I haven’t been this close to falling off the edge in years. In the past couple months I have been falling into a catatonic state pretty frequently – this only happens when my mind bluescreens, essentially – when I become so desperately unhappy that I can’t even function and so I just shut down.
Up until recently, that hadn’t happened since before I knew Muta. T. is the only person who would remember such things from so long ago.
So many things to write, to think out, to get out on paper (or computer) and thus away from me.
- Eating disorder (not the kind you’re thinking of)
- The little Muta sitting in my mind – the voice in my head that is always calling out
- Stupid ass Shakespeare poem
- Loss of my innards – Zaubi chaining himself to my shell without realizing it
- Ghost song echoing endlessly in my head
- Inner angst = self hatred = why the hell do I treat people who like me so damn BADLY?
- These dreams, these haunting dreams
- And my mind… then bluescreening, bits streaming by in a blur… can’t keep up.
See, even in list format it makes no sense. Where to begin? Can I even begin? I need that catharsis but I can’t start…
I’m alone now for the first time in days and I can’t think of a single thing to do with myself. It is beautiful out, but I can’t think of anything to do. Not a thing. Do what. Do what?
I’m teetering on the edge, my friends.
musings
Oh yeah – so I live in the same house as Juliana Hatfield. Or maybe she is in the ugly purple house adjoining my ugly purple house; I’m not sure because she is on tour right now. Says my roommate, who is friends with her.
I’m not familiar with her music at all, but this whole place is crawling with musicians who are all excited about her, so perhaps I should get acquainted with the music. Any favorites, anyone?
Maybe she can give my sister some tips 
A public service announcement… for health!
THE ENEMY IS SYPHILIS
Enlist employees in a campaign against it
SHAME
May be fatal
If you fear you have contracted a disease don’t let false shame destroy health & happiness
WHOM
Have you exposed to
SYPHILIS
TELL YOUR PHYSICIAN
They should be examined
They may need treatment
(N.Y. State Dept. of Health)
Your family needs protection
AGAINST
SYPHILIS
STOP
The spread of
SYPHILIS
So says the lunchbox I just bought for $12 
sulks
There was a little girl, and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good she was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid
Well, I don’t have a little curl in the middle of my forehead, but the latter part is very, very true.
Moved the sofa today. Got so furious and frustrated that I stormed out after about half an hour and left it all to Zaubi :-/
He finally managed to fit it in via some ingenious means that I didn’t see. I thought Muta was the only person with a startling talent at moving large items through small or strangely shaped openings, but I guess I just hadn’t had enough faith!
Baaaad Elise. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
Lately I’ve been missing Kettricken like mad…
Muhahah!
I now have high speed internet in my house! Comcast nearly couldn’t find the place, but I saved them and then they saved me!
I just haven’t had the heart to write much in LJ recently.
Good things have been happening (as well as bad),but somehow my fervent LJ-writing frenzy energy has abandoned me for the time being.
I know why it is. There is one entry I have wanted to write for days and days now but I lack the energy to manage it. And until that is written, I will just be too constipated to write as much as I usually do… So instead I will just list my trivial life’s events.
- I am finally finished moving in now and I am returning my old keys to Codman today. They had BETTER give me back my deposit damn it…
- My new place is pretty cool. I fixed a bunch of stuff up, it really doesn’t smell like smoke any more, the breeze is nice, it is clean, Elma likes it, and so forth! Chessboy is coming over this evening for smoothies, mmm!
- My broken toe caused me ridiculous amounts of pain until I went to my first kick boxing class with Madelin the other day. I guess I must have kicked all the pain out of it somehow (or maybe it was the endless jump roping that beat it into submission?) because it is almost better now! We are now religiously going to go to our two beginning Muay Thai classes per week, and throw in a stick fighting class as well! Muhahaha!
- I am hosting a combo housewarming/how to host a murder party in a couple weeks. I have 7 of 8 people lined up. I can’t wait! The one we had in NYC was so much fun…
- Zaubi’s thesis is driving both of us up the wall.
- I am going to visit my lost cat Eddie next week!
- There are lots of fun movies out nowadays and I am going to see them all!
- I got a special (cheap!) lens off EBay and am going to set it up such that I can display DVDs hugely on my wall when I play ‘em off my laptop.
- The newest Harry Potter book is very disappointing. It doesn’t grab you at all, it is too heavy to hold without your arms getting tired, and Mrs. Rowling has gone from interesting to mundane gruesomeness.
My sister picked up her motorcycle this morning.
It was greatly satisfying that it actually starts now with the electric starter as opposed to the kick start!
She roared out of the garage and it was really very cool.
I am still in the process of moving, and a discouraging process it is. I am trying damn hard to get rid of all the smoke stench (my new roommate swears never to smoke another cigarette inside from this day on) and am fighting a winning battle – but only slightly! It will take time.
I kicked a couch in frustration this morning and I have broken my toe.
Literally.
I have to laugh, despite it all.
Copyright © 2009 Elise Bosse. All rights reserved.