May 30th, 2003 0:37
This banana cream pie ROCKS THE HOUSE.
recent photos
Now I’m at B.’s house, helping him organize his thesis and plan a timeline. I can’t say I am thrilled at the prospect because I rather hate the thought 
but I know I don’t hate it as much as he does and I want to help him get it all done fast so he can stop worrying about it and we can have some fun.
We are making a banana cream pie to distract us from horrid thesis-writing! Since I was 6 I had the dream of making a banana cream pie (I had this book about a bear who ate banana cream pie on the beach) but I never actually got around to it… I hope I’m not disappointed 
Got my (well, my sister’s) black leather couch back from Muta the other day. I am really pleased to have it back – it’s such a nice sofa! It was sadly dirty – had sticky spills and, horror of horrors, *chewing gum* squished onto the cushions (not to mention Kettricken’s everlasting hair!) but I have put some time into cleaning and vacuuming it and now it looks beautiful. I’ll patch it in the next couple days and then it will really be almost as good as new!
Received a random e-mail from I. today claiming that someone was accusing *him* of being the author of the poorly written, vitriolic LJ comments. Heh. I have to say the main part of me presumes that this is just a ploy to get me talking to him again, but I will give the benefit of the doubt…! I haven’t talked to him in over a year now, strange.
My little sister’s high school graduation is in just a week…! I can’t believe that she is graduating and going away to Cornell and I won’t be able to see her whenever I want… There is going to be some sort of party that Saturday night and then the graduation itself takes up a good part of Sunday.
I’m studying Chem tonight to go tutor my brother tomorrow and probably Sunday too. Chem! Wish I could just remember it all instead of having to figure it out all over again.
I’m really psyched to view this apt. on Monday. They sent me photos of it and so forth and it looks terrific. Laundry in house, high-speed internet, sunny, south-facing room, big kitchen, yard for grilling and plant-growing, friendly happy intelligent neat housemates who like cats, December-ending lease OK, across the street from attractive park, 5 minutes from Star Market, very convenient to MIT, lots of storage space… and cheap!!!
Trying not to get my hopes up too high but this sounds ideal.
T. brought me a box of “defunct” chocolates from the Haviland company. He was near there while fighting a ticket in court.
I can never tell though how these things are defunct. They look normal to me… but there must be a reason there are selling a pound of them for 50 cents!
He brought me some astronaut ice cream too! In memory of those long-ago days…
If there is anything I hate, it is a coward.
Well, I hate a liar more, but we all knew that.
Today is actually turning out to be a beautiful day! I thought it was supposed to rain all week 
So the other day I looked at a potential apartment right in the heart of Inman Sq. Nice place, great location, clean, and the guy living there adores cats! The only problem is that he smokes, but he told me he’d be happy to only smoke outside should I so desire. I am tempted to take it – he’s in Georgia right now and won’t be back till Tuesday so I guess I will have to make my decision by then. I am looking at another place Monday night which I am pretty optimistic about and might turn out being better than the Inman one. My main concern is cleanliness and short term lease. The Inman Sq. place is month-to-month, which suits my purposes admirably, and the guys at the other place indicated that ending in December would be fine with them. So we shall see! I’d love to have this apartment thing settled so I have something to look forward to – the grunge in my current place is starting to drive me batty. I haven’t eaten at home for MONTHS, literally. I can’t even bear to touch the refrigerator!
(crosses fingers)
Well, I suppose I should do something useful and get to work… Promised to help B. organize his thesis tonight… He is having writing panic. Ugh, I remember writing my own thesis and how frantic I felt during that! I miss writing, though; perhaps I’ll try to get back into it again. Hanging out with G. has really made me remember how much fun I used to have writing. I miss G too. I hope he gets his ass back to Cambridge sometime soon!
So I am looking for a second job. I have applied for a few computer tech and web design positions (including one that is designing gay websites, ha ha) and we shall see what happens!
Muta has suddenly become bitter and is making extremely vitriolic comments both in person and apparently on LJ (both his and mine), alas.
I feel that after nine months and excessive pondering and longing after him that I should have a right to pursue a serious relationship with a clear heart. He has been in love with his new woman for the past two months – why should he begrudge me being with someone too? I guess I can understand the depth of anger and resentment he feels, given that for over a month I felt the same toward him, but I am upset by how he represents me to others and by the staring lack of understanding he has of things I have explained to him time and time again. He WILL persist in seeing things incorrectly and representing them that way; why should I let it trouble me? The people who matter know which way is up.
I’ve never understood how he goes from incensed loathing and fury to goopy loving and supposed understanding in one second flat. This bothered me years ago when he would call me a frigid bitch and a wonderful woman practically in the same breath, and it bothers me now. I guess I never really will know how he truly feels.
But does it matter? I don’t want to buy any more trouble. I want peace. If he can’t obtain that, I feel sorry for him, because I wish him happiness and strength and peace. But it isn’t my job anymore. If it makes him feel good to say nasty incorrect things about me, if he can get some kind of satisfaction from that, I’ll just let it be…
Back to work on Christy’s website: I must get it done! Must! Must! 
Ick, my Sahadi’s Raisinettes taste like perfume.
Maybe they fell into my toiletry kit on the plane?
I am feeling extremely depressed about my physical appearance and I don’t know why. Nothing life-shattering or humiliating has occurred recently, nor (I think!) has anything about me changed drastically in the past… years! And yet… I haven’t felt this ugly since I was 13, and had braces, and a chin that broke out all the time, and an ugly haircut with bangs, an no breasts to speak of.
I feel that I need to lose 15 pounds (nix the perfumed Raisinettes!) and skinnify myself but I can’t tell if I am just oddly paranoid or if I really am becoming ancient, lumpy, and ugly. I weigh five pounds more than I used to. Is it fat or muscle? I couldn’t tell you if I tried. I honestly have no idea of what I really look like. Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself, I see a Swiss peasant woman with beefy arms, a harsh jawline, and a squat physique. I get that same stomach-sinking jolt when I see myself in a mirror as I get when I see a dead animal lying in the street.
I hate being female, sometimes. I will be 25 in three weeks and yet I still feel like an adolescent, caught somewhere between childhood and adulthood, between acne and crow’s feet. Whatever happened to my ten years betwixt where I’m supposed to be stunningly beautiful and in my prime? What happened to the years between baby fat and cellulite? Between no breasts and sagging breasts? How is it possible that I am losing all the body fat on bony places like my hands (I can see the latent old-lady claws and brittle skin like my mother’s already) and becoming so obnoxiously cushiony in other places?
P.S. I now have a sheepskin, thanks to B., whose father had a zillion of them for some reason. (Apparently he is a man of excess)
They sell sheepskins on the street in Switzerland and I love them and I always wanted one and this one is so soft… and white… and smooth… and fluffy… And practically as big as my bed!!
Maybe it isn’t a sheep. The fur (hair?) is long and smooth and silky… Ahhhhh!
Got off the plane from CA a few hours ago and rushed into work to make my Tuesday meeting. Ugh, redeye flight. They don’t feed you :’(
CA was fun. It seemed far too short, though – there was way too much to do to fit into so few days!
I haven’t been to CA since I left San Diego in such a rush 1.5 years ago. And now I realize that I miss it. I miss the freshness of the air (even in L.A.!), the scrubby brush and brownish-red clay. I miss the wide freeways and the cleanliness of the apartments. Boston apartments are so DIRTY in comparison; I am left with an even fiercer longing to obtain an apartment that is CLEAN. B.’s dad owns one phat apartment building. Actually, his mom owns one too (and his sister has a very nice studio in it!), but his dad’s is cooler because it is newly gutted and refurbished… I almost melted with desire when we stopped by there to pick up the mail!
After seeing all of that, my years-old, latent, desire to make myself a career in real estate is stronger than ever. More and more I feel like I need to get STARTED on … something. I feel I am wasting my life, not getting anywhere; I am bored. Bored!
Anyway, it was all in all a good vacation. We went hiking in the canyons, went geocaching and found two caches in one day (yeah, I know it is a dork sport but it was FUN!), went to the beach at Malibu, drove down to San Diego, got G. who is hanging out with his parents for a couple weeks, and went to the Wild Animal Park which is something I never got around to when I lived there, went out with B.’s sister and her boyfriend (I like his sister quite a lot), had lots of tasty food with happy Germans, went shopping with his mom just a few times too many (his mom is a cool lady too), and visited my sister who is chilling with a friend in Venice Beach. I actually did a bunch of work for my sister while I was there – it was good to see her again and work some of the website kinks out!
Now I am completely exhausted and a wee bit sunburned and grumpy as hell to be back here in Boston. I WANT TO MOVE. And more than that, I want to get my life on track and start doing something new. Learning something new. Doing something with potential to be interesting and profitable dammit. And I will! I am not going to wait and waste time any longer!
Oh yeah…. Last but certainly not least… I guess I have a real boyfriend now After all these months I have finally decided the time is good, that I am okay enough, that the past won’t haunt me too much anymore. Something just snapped in me recently and I am no longer allowing myself to cling to old regrets and longings… Like it always eventually does (although I honestly doubted it would this time, the way things were going), my common sense has stepped in and sternly forbidden me from suffering any more. And so… I feel lighter; springy; Ahhhh.
“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” I will not wait any more!
And I am happy. The world is fresh and there are so many things to do!
Copyright © 2009 Elise Bosse. All rights reserved.