Date April 30th, 2003 21:22 Comments 0 Comments

Piano recital went pretty well. I wasn’t entirely happy with my performance, mainly because I felt stiff (in part because my hands were freezing cold!).

Now to move onto Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody #13!

I think I would be a lot better off if I knew how to cry properly. Lately I feel constantly on the edge of tears, but at best I manage to wince and a couple little tears squeeze their reluctant and constipated way out of my eyes. If I could lie down and have a good, old-school, howling, chest-shaking, breath-stopping cry, I think I would feel a lot better afterwards.

But I can’t. I find even those few pathetic little tears humiliating.

Date April 30th, 2003 11:23 Comments 3 Comments

I guess I am actually really not bad-looking.

(except for these ridiculous ORANGE EYEBROWS)

It is hard for me to tell, sometimes. Lately I have felt completely off, like my head is on upside down and my legs are on backwards… everything I do feels large and awkward and lumpy and ugly.

I feel unattractive and slow and tactless and unbalanced and noisy and weepy and ungainly and sloppy.

I feel like everything I do is a bad call.

I know I am neither ugly, nor stupid, nor fat, nor tactless, nor slow-witted, nor graceless, nor thoughtless, nor poor.

But it feels like I am!!

And if I try to discuss it with someone, I feel worse, because I KNOW that I am being ridiculous, and imposing on them to boot. And I know that I am better than this, to waste my time thinking negatively. I am NOT naturally bad-tempered, pessimistic, sluggish, or vindictive. Quite the contrary, actually. Really, I find myself ridiculous sometimes. (But of course, that makes it worse, too.)

It’s really a lose-lose situation.

I just want all the bad feeling to go AWAY so I can enjoy life again like it is my nature to do! But I don’t know how to make that happen.

Does anyone else ever get in this state?

Date April 30th, 2003 10:27 Comments 0 Comments

I have ruined Madelin’s chance to seduce her professor.

I’m so sorry, Madelin!!
;-)

Date April 30th, 2003 1:47 Comments 0 Comments

My eyebrows have become RIDICULOUS :-D

Just got back from hockey. I don’t’ feel like going to bed tonight so I invited B. over and he and I are going to huddle under the blankets and eat food and watch movies :-D

What fun!!

Tomorrow is scary piano recital. I guess I should really have practiced today…!

Got a loathsome letter from Muta today. Was, in typical spirit, extremely didactic and smug. And *completely* off target. It made it abundantly clear to me that he has misunderstood essentially everything I have told him for the past years. Bah!

I wonder sometimes about his mental capabilities. I really have wasted my breath with him. No matter how often I have explained things to him on whatever topic it is (and this has been the case ever since I knew him), he will only hear what he wants to hear, which inevitably ends up being whatever makes me look worst. And then he states it and re-states it to me (as I go purple in the face trying to explain otherwise) and to other people. It hurts me greatly each time I discover another mutual friend or acquaintence to whom he has represented me so inaccurately.

I wonder why he has always had such a fondness for atributing the worst possible motivations to my thoughts, words, and deeds? What possible good could it bring him, other than making him feel better about himself?

In any case, it’s pointless to try to analyze it because I know it will never make sense; I should just renew my determination to never waste my breath on him again.

Date April 29th, 2003 13:26 Comments 1 Comment

I have Bertucci’s roll crumbs down my pants and they are driving me crazy…

Date April 29th, 2003 13:11 Comments 0 Comments

I hate bread, but I LOVE these Bertucci’s rolls.

And I LOVE meetings where they serve food! :-D

Date April 29th, 2003 10:59 Comments 0 Comments

My eyebrows are turning BLONDE. Worse yet, STRAWBERRY BLONDE

Could this be divine retribution for that plucking experiment two months ago?

Date April 29th, 2003 9:31 Comments 0 Comments

Oh ho, it is 9:30 AM and I am AT WORK!!

Amazing.

I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you!!

Date April 29th, 2003 0:29 Comments 3 Comments

Esperanza’s so BAD!!!!

Almost as bad as ME!!
:-D

Date April 28th, 2003 11:15 Comments 0 Comments

Muta left a little note on my desk I guess on Friday. I wasn’t really around then so I just got it now. It really breaks my heart when he does these things. It is hard to love someone and yet at the same time loathe them and not know at all who they are anymore. I know that my love belongs to this person I used to think he was. And then it turned out he was actually someone totally different and I haven’t been able to reconcile these two things…

But anyway. I have yet another thing to add to the MIT-is-stupid list!

When I became an employee again I deliberately did not sign up for the 401K because I didn’t want it. However, unbeknownst to me (and of course they didn’t enlighten me with this information) given that I used to be an employee, and went away, and then came back, I was AUTOMATICALLY signed up for the same % of 401K as I used to have. So then I called them once i found this out and told them to give me my money back and they said no!! :’(

Bah.

And endometriosis is about to kill me too, oooogh!

However, on the bright side, it is s stunningly beautiful day and I am going to go play a little roller hockey with B. in a few hours :-D Then to piano lesson (eek!)

Not much for me to do today. Therefore I will occupy myself writing an angry letter to MIT benefits, making a complain to the BBB about Debtscape, and writing about Myrene…