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November 29th, 2002 8:58
What a gruesome Thanksgiving.
Wednesday night Mike and I got to my mom’s place after dark, and at about 8PM or so we went out to take Kettricken for a walk. It was absolutely pitch black because the moon hadn’t come out yet. We were walking down the street, Kettricken trotting along, and Mike put his hand on my right shoulder. At that second, in a moment of absolute clarity, I *knew* I was going to slip. So I stepped back with my left foot and tried to turn, tried to take my hands out of my pockets where I had jammed them against the cold. But I couldn’t. My feet slipped out on the black ice, Mike’s feet slipped as mine did, he tried to hold me up but it resulted in just throwing me off balance even more. I couldn’t get my hands unstuck and out of my pockets so I fell, all 130 pounds of me, directly on my head on the pavement. I heard a moist thud and realized it my my skull hitting the ground. There was no pain, though, just a flash of bright yellow light. I lay there for a while hearing this whimpering sound which I gradually realized was coming from me but I didn’t know how to stop it. I tried to get up but I didn’t know where I was. My knees collapsed and I fell down in the snow. I tried to get up anther time but collapsed again, this time tripping on the iced-over pieces of snow. Then I managed to get up and Mike walked me back to the house.
In retrospect, I suppose I should have gone to the emergency room. but I don’t have health insurance til my international thing kicks in on Dec. 1 so I didn’t want to. I felt terribly sick and dizzy, I couldn’t focus my eyes properly on anything and there was this sharp pain in both my ears. But after an hour or so my eyes and ears went back to normal and I was left just feeling sick and dizzy. I suppose that means a concussion but it didn’t really occur to me then…
Anyway, Yesterday, thanksgiving Day, all started out well, it was a beautiful day and I was feeling a little better. After the turkey, though, I felt quite sick again so I went to sleep for a couple hours. When I woke up it was twilight, I felt much better, and my sister Anne and Mike had gone sledding. I went out to find them. It was almost dark and the shadows were shifting, making it very difficult to see. I heard there voices and followed them From a distance it looked like something was wrong – they had no sled and were walking, both in a very hunched-over and determined fashion, slowly up the hill. I slipped and slid down the slope to them and then I saw that both their faces were covered in blood. Apparently they had picked a route which led over a 4-foot rocky cliff and they had lost control of the sled and both somersaulted out onto the rocks. I have never seen anyone’s head drip so much blood as Mike’s except in a movie. There was blood all over his face, dripping steadily down into the snow. His arms looked as though he had been butchering cows. Anne’s head was not as bad off as Mike’s, but still bled profusely. It was her shoulder that was bothering her more. I drove Mike to the emergency room and they put 22 staples in his head. My mom took Anne, and they put 5 staples in her head and her arm in a sling. It turns out she tore the ligaments in her shoulder. Neither of them had concussions, though, just flesh wounds, so that was something to be glad about!
Alas, though, it looks like both Mike and I will be out of hockey for a week. Arg! I was going to do Derek’s Sunday hockey for the first time this week and I didn’t want to miss it! What bad timing.
Maybe I’ll get lucky though and this concussion will knock the vertigo out of me 
November 27th, 2002 13:59
For some reason, “I’m a Barbie Girl” sounds like a very sad song to me.
November 27th, 2002 1:41
Ugh.
Ugly fight with Bryant.
Why do we waste our time?
There is too much badness in the world to waste angry words and negative emotion on people you care about…
November 24th, 2002 1:53
November 23rd, 2002 0:30
November 21st, 2002 10:06
I really like cement trucks a lot.
So, I think this vertigo problem is killing me. I can’t make it stop. The doctor people say that vertigo usually has to do with your inner ear, but I have this feeling it actually has to do with my eyes. I can just sense that there is something not quite right there. I wish it were Dec 1 so my health insurance would kick in so I could go to a doctor… I hate it. The room sways, I can’t focus my eyes on anything at all, I can’t keep my balance, and I feel so sick I can’t stand it. And even after it goes away I am left with this horrid feeling of queasiness and carsickness for several days. Arg! I would take 10 stomachaches over this rotten vertigo.
I really need to get my act together. Since leaving NYC last July, I have really fallen apart from a taking care of myself point of view. I need to start eating properly again (that is the biggest thing!!), going to sleep and getting up at normal hours, and exercising more regularly. My exercise is probably ok given that I play hockey frequently, but I would like to get to work on time so I don’t’ have to skip hockey practice due to late-to-work-guilt and also start practicing more on the side. I want to learn to kick everybody’s butt. I want to be able to catch up to the giant redhead  I am having serious problems eating properly. The thing is, there is just SO MUCH bad food to be had! I actually like eating good food, it is just that I am lazy and it takes considerable effort to buy something that is healthful and not overly fried, sugared, or processed. And I hate cooking. I really truly hate cooking. My worst problem is that I am a sugar addict and for someone with my stomach and system, sugar is absolutely the worst thing I can eat… (well, corn syrup is worse, I suppose, but even so)
This morning on the train I was listening to that depressing song by the Cure, A Letter to Elise. I think they must have written that song for me! At least, the lines come to mind:
Oh Elise it doesn’t matter what you do
I know I’ll never really get inside of you
To make your eyes catch fire
The way they should
The way the blue could pull me in
If they only would
If they only would
At least I’d lose this sense of sensing something else
That hides away
I was thinking back over my days in high school (and before) when I used to get so infatuated with guys so easily. I was always breaking my heart over someone, driving my friends crazy writing my latest crush’s names on their notebooks during Chem., and so forth. Somewhere along the line that all faded. No one can really excite me now, I am never infatuated with anyone, I never think anyone is wonderful. All of the relationships I had in college I just fell into out of convenience and friendliness. because I could, because it was there. Andy was the last person I really was interested in and really worked to obtain, when I was 16. After that… it is like I became jaded, or maybe things became too easy for me, or more likely, a combination of both. I guess I was seriously traumatized by Andy and my whole relationship, well, not the relationship in particular; Andy was kinder to me than anyone was before or since, but that whole 3 or 4 year stint where my mom, Peter, and the Bulgarians harassed me until my life fell apart and I learned to distrust people. After that, I guarded myself too carefully, and as a result now I can’t fall in love with anyone, or indeed even become infatuated. I didn’t realize it until just recently, and I miss it terribly. I miss that feeling of being completely crazy about someone and thinking of them all the time. It added such spice to life. I wish I could get it back.
November 20th, 2002 12:59
November 17th, 2002 23:52
Had a IM hockey game tonight. I was too disorganized – I forgot to bring the spandex and sports bra I normally wear under hockey clothes and given today was laundry day I wasn’t even wearing a normal bra or normal underwear… Nor did I have a red jersey like I was supposed to…
So I had to play hockey wearing my yukky pads over nothing but a leopard-print thong that spelled out someone’s name in sequins (I know, don’t ask!!) and borrowing someone else’s red T-shirt. it was a very unsuccessful game. We lost, 2-4 against some frat boys. I am so damn sick of people thinking I suck because I am a girl! I am better at skating AND stick handling than fully half the people on that team (including the men!) and I RESENT the fact that they find it necessary to point out every mistake I make in a very didactic tone of voice (when they don’t point out ANYONE else’s wild shots into nowhere, falling on their ass, tripping their teammates, and the like) and that they find it necessary to pair me with the best defender as if I am some pathetic clueless newbie. MEN! I swear. WHY is it that just because I have breasts, they assume that I suck at anything athletic? WHY is it so hard for them to see other males making stupid plays, useless passes, and ridiculous shows of awkwardness when it happens right in front of their face? And WHY, for God’s sake, when they accuse me of passing blindly to the blue line and I tell them actually I was passing to a teammate but just didn’t aim properly given a misjudgment of his momentum, do they act all skeptical and roll their eyes at me as if I am lying?!
On a happier note, everyone must go to this link as soon as possible. This is more of Meredith Monk’s famous Extended Vocal Technique. It starts off a little slow, but I GUARANTEE you will be happy that you listened to the whole thing!! Turn the sound up high! (And have QuickTime)
Off to bed now. Tomorrow starts the work week. Ahhhhh…
November 17th, 2002 13:13
My little sister is a sucker for inanimate objects too!!
To make a long story long,…
Once upon a time, when I was in high school, I made myself a chicken pot pie. It was temping and steaming and smelled delicious and I was starving – I was just dying to eat it. Then my older sister came in a railed me out for taking the last piece of chicken pot pie. She told me I was piggy and thoughtless and greedy and so forth. Somehow, then, the pie was ruined for me. I was still starving, it still smelled delicious, but I just couldn’t eat it because it had been ruined by my older sister’s scolding me. At that moment anger rose up in me and I became completely crazy incensed. I had been SO looking forward to eating the chicken pot pie and now I couldn’t and it was all my older sister’s fault! So I lifted the plate in my hand and threw it at the wall as hard as I could. I would have thrown it at my sister, but I would have gotten in big trouble, so I threw it at the wall a few inches from where she was standing. The plate shattered and warm gravy splattered all over the floor. My little sister who was then about 10 was watching the whole thing and she was just horrified. She burst into tears, and I thought that it was because of all the upset, but she just told me it was actually because she felt so bad for the pie!!
We have another in our ranks! Lovers of inanimate object, rejoice!!
November 17th, 2002 10:38
…but I was wrong.
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