Another car is burning on the street.

I saw the first one about two weeks ago, right about this time of night, on that bridge that is next over from the B.U. bridge. It was a little red golf, like Andy’s, and it was engulfed in flames, thoroughly on fire, like you see in the movies. The driver’s side door was hanging open and there was nobody around except one lone police cruiser. The traffic going the other way just kept on driving by, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there was a car aflame only a few feet away.

This time the car is in front of my apartment building. Another VW, or so I’m told, because the police won’t let anyone get close enough to see anymore. The air is thick and heavy with smoke and the stench of burning rubber. At first I thought the building was on fire, but no, just a car, a car parked right where I park Subi sometimes, when I have to run inside.

Bryant just came back and told me it was the fuel injection. Makes you wonder about VW…

Ok,

So I have been really bad at doing my word every day. I will have to stick about 5 words into this entry!

I actually don’t have much interesting to say today. I am at work, where I am rather bored, just doing a lot of reading and research to get a good base of background information so that when I actually have to start producing output next week, I won’t be lost. Altogether it has been a decent week. It is nice to be working again, it is nice to have my own space and identity at M.I.T. again, the laptop they gave me is really damn cute and tiny (and has great stats to boot), no one is hanging over my shoulder so I can be as relaxed as I want.

These Webster words are too random to put in these sentences. I am having a lot of trouble finding someone to take over my room in Bryant and my apartment. I guess the place is really just too small for two people who don’t know each other well to live in. I wish this thing were over so that I could get out of there and find my own place and settle again. I hate being in limbo.

I think my jealously of Bryant’s “shady” activities is slowly fading. Thank goodness. Maybe someday soon I will be able to look myself in the face again without thinking of what a hypocritical bastard I have been! I am not sure if it is fading, though, because my romantic feelings for him are fading, or because I am coming to terms with our situation and my standard idea of what is fair/unfair right/wrong is coming to the surface again. I guess what I have to keep in is that if Bryant and I are truly meant to be together, we will be in the end, no matter what opposition we encounter or roller coasters we ride. And if we are not, better to find out now than later! Still, the poignancy of things dying always pulls at me. On the one hand, I know that forging ahead and doing what your logic tells you is smart or right is a good thing; on the other hand, memories come up to haunt me and nostalgia can weaken my firmest resolve.

Oh well!

I am feeling oddly depressed today. It wasn’t like this all today, it just came upon me suddenly while I was sitting on the bus coming home. A general sense of weariness has come over me like a fog, and I don’t have energy to do any of the things I should be doing, or even the things I generally like doing. I feel like I should be doing something right now but I am sitting here instead, listening to my own dreary thoughts and thinking of a future which seems as grey and lifeless as a London afternoon.

I feel utterly boring, untalented, and mundane.

I have been slowly packing up my things (and driving yet more random books and other items to be stored at my mother’s house, unbeknownst to her, in my closet, heh heh) for a move which I simultaneously look forward to and dread. The thought of being without Bryant is so wrong to me that I feel nauseated when I think of it. And yet – the thought of staying with him – with anyone, indeed – fills me with a smothered, desperate feeling. I KNOW that if I give into my heart and stay, if I give into my heart and try things with him again, that I will regret, that I will become fickle, that I will wonder. I often think that someday I DO want to marry Bryant. He was the first person who truly inspired the desire to marry and have a family in me, and I can’t imagine feeling that comfortable and trusting of anyone else. But then, what do I know? I refuse to become entrapped because of a feeling, I refuse to do either him or myself an injustice because I am too weak to listen to the wisdom of my head. I love Bryant. Truly, more than any other person I love or ever have loved. He is a wonderful person, true-hearted, honest, devoted, and intelligent. He will make someone an excellent lover and/or husband… I just don’t know that that someone should be me. Take me. I am capricious, self-centered, and above all, afraid. It is true that I am also honest, brave, and compassionate, but all these characteristics mix and disagree and create a nightmare for anyone to deal with. I am simultaneously completely sincere and utterly fickle. My desires teeter back and forth like a demented seesaw and my heart and my mind are continually involved in a battle of wills, sometimes switching positions but always on opposing sides!

These, however, are the facts I know (if I took Nadia’s Dork quiz, I would be the person who, when having a problem, creates a mathematical equation to represent it and then decides what to do based on the answer)

1. I cannot be a steady girlfriend to *anyone* at this time due to certain emotional capriciousness/instability
2. My immediate agendas at this time are a) to get out of debt and B) to leave the country, likely never to return. There is no space for ANYONE I know in that agenda. Or very little, at best.
3. I dearly love Bryant and do not want anything to change those feelings that I have (i.e. no attacks of the Little Man which would be fatal to my feelings)
4. I cannot adjust (hypocritically enough) to Bryant’s attempts to create relationships, either short-term or long-term (which he is aiming more for right now) with other women when they are right in my face (please interpret right in my face as being, when Bryant has the other women sleep over in my bed when I am not home, OR doesn’t come home at night because he is sleeping with them at their place, OR when he becomes so involved in online/phone conversations with them that he barley hears me speaking, OR when he starts doing the beginning-of-relationship-overdose-of-time-spent-together thing, OR when the person he is doing this all with is my closest female friend and I suddenly get the uncomfortable feeling of “third wheel”)

Therefore, I see that I must move. And as soon as possible. I wholly support Bryant’s attempts to be with other women, don’t ge me wrong. I think that it would be healthy for him to have varied short-term relationships and experiences, both to broaden his experience and to help his ego. I am certainly not going to complain or resent him for exploring possibilities other than me – especially given that I am the one who broke up with him. However, I can’t stand it being right in my face, and, as my usual automatic, and unfortunate reaction to excess pain is to obliterate all loving feelings I had toward the person causing the pain (thanks to the damned Little Man who I do not know how to kill), it is likely that if I remained around, I would cut off my feelings for Bryant and see him as no more than an acquaintance. Without being able to help it. And that would be the worst thing of all. Especially given that there is some part of me that is desperately hoping that someday, somehow, I will turn into a normal person and will be capable of having a normal, steady, non-capricious relationship and thus a family. I would like it if Bryant were that person I could share that with. And yet – I am always looking for something better! This frightened cynic in me pushes away any hint of happiness that comes, certain that it is ephemeral, a trick of some kind. Somewhere along the line I developed such a sense of hopelessness that it subtly encompasses all that I do. Try as I may, I cannot trust anything good. I take “high hopes, low expectations” to the outer limit – even when things are near certain, I do not allow myself to believe in them until they have passed. My expectations are so spectacularly low that I do not believe anything even resembling happiness actually exists – at least for myself. I am terrified of accepting something as good and right for fear that I will thus be shutting the door on finding a better possibility. It is completely exhausting. The grass is always greener, I suppose, or rather, the grass which I *imagine* is in the fields many miles away that I have never yet seen, must be much greener than the grass I have in front of me, right?

I loathe myself for being so weak as to not be able to bear this. I loathe myself for being hypocritical. I loathe myself for being Andrei instead of Kira (read the foreword to We the Living if you want to know what I am talking about). Yet I cannot help what I am, and it seems to me that the best thing to do is to remove myself from the problem – not to run away, but to have it diluted – such that the forces of destruction are weakened enough not to explode.

Blah. Writing is not proving nearly as cathartic today as it usually is. An yet I have still produced what looks like several pages! of poorly written, overly-melodramatic, and obnoxious literature…

Ah well. Have to go get Bryant who it seems has borrowed my bike and flatted my tire! :-/

Now I have a motivation to write in LJ every day: I have suscribed to webster’s word of the day. I figure that in order to improve my vocabulary, I will try to use the word of the day at least once in my LJ post.

This will be motivational, see! And other people can amuse themselves by trying to figure out which word is the word of the day.

Much as I want to live an exciting, spontaneous life, I would very much not enjoy being a bindle stiff and wandering around the world with just a bandana on a pole.

There. Glad that’s done.

I have been having a thoroughly excellent time adding to Faces of Nadia. If anyone has any suggestions for more pictures or HAS some interesting pictures they would like to see Nadia performing in, please let me know!

I think Mike is mad at me. It seems (at least it appears to me) that he is unhappy with my lack of commitment to him. However, not only have I been quite clear (I think!) about my not wanting to be tied to/girlfriend of anyone at this time, also, in my opinion, it would be a very bad thing if I behaved in a more commited to him way, becasue then he would expect more things of me that I would not be able to give. It is true that I haven’t been communicating with or seeing him as much as I was a couple weeks ago; however, this is due to life complications like the living situation with Bryant, etc. (which incidentally I do not know what to do about)

I also get the feeling that Liz is somewhat unhappy with my talking to Coureton (even though he talked to me first and there was nothing shady about it!) Oh dear. I seem to pick up trouble merely by existing…

Ok, I have this awful stomachache so I think I will go to bed. Urggh…

A correction on below:

Faces of Nadia is now a permanent addition to my website! Just go to kirilisa.com and click on the Faces of Nadia on the menu bar. Many more to come!!

Pussycam is no longer very interesting since most of the pussies are gone :-/ but I will try to aim it at a more interesting angle so the world can see Kettricken and Elma fighting…